Buddhism says, very wisely: stay in the present. The past is for the depressive and the future is for the anxious. Wise words, perhaps our greatest challenge.
We were born to live in a group. We look for company and when it arrives, it is as if we can then write and follow the script of our desires – as if the other were supporting in the soap opera of our life. It is as if everything is going to happen as we anticipate and want.
It was like that with a girl I met. She started dating early and has since made plans to get married. The plans were ambitious: a house, a wedding in the coolest church (the one in the center of the city, where all the rich get married), a party for all the guests, in short, would be years of preparation. And they were.
They dated for more than a decade and in this time they saved all their savings and directed all their energies towards the long-dreamed and planned life. She made him a faithful and dedicated soldier, and he faithfully carried out his orders and wishes. At this time, they almost never really dated, had sex mechanically, and barely met – because they only looked to the future and the goal they had to fulfill together.
Anyway, one day they got married.
They performed the ceremony, the party took place and the house was there, ready. And now? What would they do?
They spent almost a decade and a half waiting for this day and there was no goal left to accomplish. It was as if they had climbed Everest and when they reached the summit they said to each other: “There, we can do it, we can go down”.
The best part of the party is to wait for it and after it ends, emptiness comes. A hole trying to fill itself with the album, with the memories; it is as if they have a trophy of honor to merit. We did it!
They were good partners, but there was a problem: they didn’t love each other anymore, or maybe they never loved each other. They were two people involved in a web of commitments to accomplish and goals to achieve, but as they turned to the here and now, looking at themselves – they didn’t even know each other.
They could now pursue another goal – which may be having a child. It could involve them on another journey and it would distract them from having to look at themselves. It could take time and it would help in the duration of the partnership.
As soon as they know each other, they may not be able to bear each other, but they married the years of courtship. They married the house, the party and certainly, one of them was nothing more than a doll that adorns the cakes. Yes, many look for and want the other because there is no marriage without someone playing the groom. Many partners live within a marriage in which they cannot express their wishes and are not even the owners of their lives and agendas. They follow the orders of the director of the soap opera.
Some marriages like this end.
Others last a lifetime and are sported as trophies at golden wedding parties, but are expensive. They cost a life. They cost the pain of someone who, who knows why submitted to being someone else’s character.
Happy are those who break free from the bonds of the past and idealized desires for the future. Life is today – that’s all you have.
I was born knowing this and I got a lot of scolding from my mother because when she bought me clothes or a shoe I wore them right away. She told me that I shouldn’t do this, that I should save it for a special occasion – and I disobeyed. I only buy it when I need to, and if I bought it, I use it.
There is no tomorrow, that day may not come and if you think about finding a relationship so that you can finally make your plans, forget it! I saw a lot of people spend and lose their youth, sacrificing time, money, and failing to live good times to save for the future. Relationships that ended because they stopped going to that bar or that show to save money for the wedding party and that today, they are bitter at the passing age, prison, and the bad smell of the putrefied death of that relationship that has long since died.
It is not the houses, the parties, the ceremonies that make a happy marriage. We all have a list of people who did that and were not happy. Saved are those who managed to escape and who are able to live love “just for today”. Happy are those who look to tomorrow with serenity, who know that a roof is needed, but who do not forget that every day there is a plant to water, and that water should not be stored for tomorrow under the high cost of killing be that little plant that one day generated a meeting.
Flee those who seek you so that they can play a role in your plays.
Even if they are given the main role. By accepting orders from the director, you are giving up your own existence. You will stop making choices, you will stop being free, and however tempting this feeling of security maybe – it will cost you your life.
There is no script or security for anyone. Don’t fall for this vicar’s tale. To live is to risk